the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
