Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
