I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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