do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
