I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
