I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
