I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
