I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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