imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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