I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
