you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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