i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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