Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
