like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
