he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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