Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
