i'm signing you up for texting rehab
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
