Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
