Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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