i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
