where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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