Pants 0. Shit 1.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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