Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
