I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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