I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
