I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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