forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
