I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
