I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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