He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
