I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
