I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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