So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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