Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
