So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
