Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
