I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
