Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Randomize
