I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I got her a Nickelback box set.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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