answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
