apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
