3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
