I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
