I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I will be naked everywhere
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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