I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
