Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
