my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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