I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
