Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
