walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
