Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
